my head is swelling to monstrous proportions, quite like the streets have been the past few weeks.
i can't think straight and, not to mention, having a FLESH-EATING DISEASE (okay, exaggerating..) in the dead of summer is doubly awful because heat, sweat and inflammation don't mix and everyone else is out having fun at the natural waterslides, WITHOUT ME, while i get to spend hundreds of dollars on ER bills and miss out on 3 days' worth of pay to sit at home and "heal."
over it.
i'm tapping out.
xo.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
real no. 1
i never thought i'd get into the online diary/blog/journal world again, yet here i am. i figure i have enough going through my brain on a daily basis that i completely forget, why not take notes? it's a "good thing," as martha would put it.
so.. as of right now, i feel that most of the important issues in my life (housing, school, work, friends, love-life [or lack thereof]) are all in a weird, wonderful, frightening sort of purgatorial space. here is why:
1) due to lack of properly managing my funds, i'm not sure i will have enough money to SURVIVE after my move-in expenses (and am feverishly attempting to avoid borrowing money.. although its seeming more and more necessary)
2) i am at a constant battle as to what i want to "do with my life." this mostly comes from me being too indecicive and not thinking very highly of my own abilities.. i don't think i am particularly GOOD at anything, but i have to start SOMEWHERE.. but where? this is scary shit, kids!
3) i have been slacking at work because it is getting increasingly boring.. true, it is an office job so i don't know what i'm expecting, but it's a good job and i get away with MURDER there.. i'm just feeling this pressure that i've never felt at this job before, it's all my fault and i'm putting it on myself, and i don't know why? i don't get it..
4) i have recently been re-evaluating the sort of lifestyle i'd been living for the past 5 or so years and have decided it wasn't making me happy. i feel like some of my friends understand that i don't enjoy getting wasted and partying as much as i used to.. some of them, not so much. i feel like when they try to pursuade or force me to partake in their drunken antics, it makes me like them less.. i've become a snob. that or i'm just bitter because they have the fun while i sit at home, being totally boring and think "this is what i SHOULD be doing." but even if i DO decide to join them, it just feels so.. contrived; i rarely have a good time. i feel like i am finally trying to prioritize a little more and the negative/irresponsible vibes are detrimental to my plans. granted, i have learned to say "no," but just being around the behavior makes me feel bad about MYSELF.. this is all irrelevant now, however, as i am planning to go out tonight and (in a drunken stupor) enjoy these cooling summer nights; they are my saving grace.
5) getting over a "first love" isn't easy, as i am painfully finding out.. some days i wake up and "that whole thing" (i.e. what i have succumbed to calling my last relationship) doesn't bother me whatsoever, it isn't even on my radar. other days, however, i am not so lucky.. the days when things are either going REALLY well or REALLY horribly and there isn't a "him" to call up and be excited or scared about things with.. and i become an emotional wreck, going completely backward. he's moved on completely and i haven't had the desire or the will to do the same.. nobody here interests me in any way and it breaks my heart a bit to know the one person i enjoyed spending all my time with isn't there to do that with anymore. hopefully the rule of "it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them" reigns untrue because i can't go another few months feeling like this.. it is bad for the soul.
i am fighting the urge to disappear.. all my life, any time i get bored or scared or things don't go quite right, i run. i move, i quit, i re-arrange. this can't be good. i'm twenty-four and am JUST starting to pick up the pieces of the life i had when i was fresh out of high school. i've burned bridges, ruined friendships and hurt a lot of people with this "i'm out of here" response when things go sour, and i can't keep doing it; i don't want to. i don't like how i feel inside when i do it.
i guess you can say i'm going through a pre-quarter-life crisis.. and boy, is it liberating.
xo.
so.. as of right now, i feel that most of the important issues in my life (housing, school, work, friends, love-life [or lack thereof]) are all in a weird, wonderful, frightening sort of purgatorial space. here is why:
1) due to lack of properly managing my funds, i'm not sure i will have enough money to SURVIVE after my move-in expenses (and am feverishly attempting to avoid borrowing money.. although its seeming more and more necessary)
2) i am at a constant battle as to what i want to "do with my life." this mostly comes from me being too indecicive and not thinking very highly of my own abilities.. i don't think i am particularly GOOD at anything, but i have to start SOMEWHERE.. but where? this is scary shit, kids!
3) i have been slacking at work because it is getting increasingly boring.. true, it is an office job so i don't know what i'm expecting, but it's a good job and i get away with MURDER there.. i'm just feeling this pressure that i've never felt at this job before, it's all my fault and i'm putting it on myself, and i don't know why? i don't get it..
4) i have recently been re-evaluating the sort of lifestyle i'd been living for the past 5 or so years and have decided it wasn't making me happy. i feel like some of my friends understand that i don't enjoy getting wasted and partying as much as i used to.. some of them, not so much. i feel like when they try to pursuade or force me to partake in their drunken antics, it makes me like them less.. i've become a snob. that or i'm just bitter because they have the fun while i sit at home, being totally boring and think "this is what i SHOULD be doing." but even if i DO decide to join them, it just feels so.. contrived; i rarely have a good time. i feel like i am finally trying to prioritize a little more and the negative/irresponsible vibes are detrimental to my plans. granted, i have learned to say "no," but just being around the behavior makes me feel bad about MYSELF.. this is all irrelevant now, however, as i am planning to go out tonight and (in a drunken stupor) enjoy these cooling summer nights; they are my saving grace.
5) getting over a "first love" isn't easy, as i am painfully finding out.. some days i wake up and "that whole thing" (i.e. what i have succumbed to calling my last relationship) doesn't bother me whatsoever, it isn't even on my radar. other days, however, i am not so lucky.. the days when things are either going REALLY well or REALLY horribly and there isn't a "him" to call up and be excited or scared about things with.. and i become an emotional wreck, going completely backward. he's moved on completely and i haven't had the desire or the will to do the same.. nobody here interests me in any way and it breaks my heart a bit to know the one person i enjoyed spending all my time with isn't there to do that with anymore. hopefully the rule of "it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them" reigns untrue because i can't go another few months feeling like this.. it is bad for the soul.
i am fighting the urge to disappear.. all my life, any time i get bored or scared or things don't go quite right, i run. i move, i quit, i re-arrange. this can't be good. i'm twenty-four and am JUST starting to pick up the pieces of the life i had when i was fresh out of high school. i've burned bridges, ruined friendships and hurt a lot of people with this "i'm out of here" response when things go sour, and i can't keep doing it; i don't want to. i don't like how i feel inside when i do it.
i guess you can say i'm going through a pre-quarter-life crisis.. and boy, is it liberating.
xo.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
